I’ve been in a holding pattern for a while. Too long, it feels like. I’m just waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting. You get the picture. In the last two weeks I’ve hit a wall. I’m continually dancing between frustration, impatience and a total lack of faith. On Sunday I was sitting in church thinking it’s time to fish or cut bait. As soon as I thought that I cried. I’m not ready to cut bait. I don’t think God is calling me to that, but this is an example of my weak and fickle flesh. I’m tired of waiting, sure. I’m ready to go, sure. But, I think it’s more important that I learn to surrender. Surrendering is something that I have realized I simply suck at, I’m really bad. I really want to keep my hands tightly clasped around my dreams. I’m afraid of what will happen if I let go. This two-week debate in my head has really exposed some deep struggles and fears…my God will disappoint me, he doesn’t want good for me, he doesn’t care about me, he doesn’t like me. It’s a fight, and frankly a dang hard one, to let go of this orphan mentality and trust my God. Here’s the crazy thing, I can look back over my entire life and see God’s faithfulness woven into every step and yet here I am frustrated and doubting.
This morning I woke up, packed my bag and headed to my favorite little coffee shop, sat at my favorite table, drinking my favorite coffee determined to work through my attitude and lack of faith problem because my current frustration is sucking all the joy out of my life and I’m tired of it. I put my ear buds in and put my iTunes of shuffle while I just sat and thought. Here’s a list of lyrics from songs that “randomly” played.
Garden – Needtobreathe, Adonai and Be Still My Soul from my churches Palm Sunday service
“In this hour of doubt I see
Who I am is not just me
So give me strength to die myself
So love can live to tell the tale
Let the songs I sing bring joy to you
Let the words I say confess my love
Let the notes I choose be your favorite tune
Father let my heart be for you”
“Adonai, I lift up my heart and I cry
My Adonai, You are the Maker of each moment
Oh, Father of my hope and freedom”
“Be still my soul, the Lord is on your side”
Here’s what I remembered after these songs:
“I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!”
I love that my Bible naturally opens to this passage in Psalms. It’s a verse that I have said, thought, prayed, read hundreds of thousands of times, yet I forget.
“Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.” Isaiah 30:18
The Lord longs to be gracious to his children. I forget this and this is the core of my problem. I forget. But this morning I’m thankful for his gentle prodding and his tender reminders. I don’t deserve that. I deserve to be punished for continual doubt and frustration towards God. Because the punishment has been paid I inherit this love, this grace.
“Faithful God, every promise kept
Every need You’ve met, Faithful God
All I am and all I’ll ever be
Is all because You love faithfully